I'm surprised at myself. This was supposed to be a
light, funny page filled with zippy humor and a unique blend of Mike-ness.
Instead, it became a sort of cathartic exercise that I needed, to review
and write about all the bad things I'd done in one phase of my life in
order to move on to the next. The past is never dead, but it sure isn't
alive anymore in my head. I finally cleaned everything out, and everything's
been exercised and lifted off my conscious and conscience. This entire
page just took me two days to write and put together. A very self-revealing
and honest two days with myself, in order to get my history put down right,
and to get over a lot of things that I had never been able to before. Seeing
them all now up there on the screen, I've gained perspective and distance
from these events, and I feel I have a better understanding of myself and
who I am today, and most importantly, why I am the way I am.
I was talking to my mother today, after finishing
the previous page, and was heavily imbued in my own thoughts and feelings
on my past. After telling her I'd done a lot of bad things and how much
I regret the decisions I've made, she told me that it was all part of growing
up. Everyone makes mistakes when they're young, and that's how we grow
as people. The two most important things are that 1) I can recognize what
I've done that's wrong or bad, and 2) that I've now gained the wisdom not
to repeat these mistakes again. This made me feel better, and reassured
me that I'm not the only one that'd fucked up in life. I'd just fucked
up a little differently than other people do.
But that's OK. This is my second phase of mature
development, starting today, at the age of 20. I've set the goals I want
to achieve in life, and am fully dedicated to reaching them. I feel better,
and much more optamistic than I ever have before about the future. It's
plenty wide and bright, and I feel emotionally secure enough to continue
on.
I go to college, and am closing in fast on my degree
(an English major, hooray hoorah). I have my band, and I feel that we're
getting better and better every day. My writing (though you can't tell
from this slapped-together structure) is advancing and I'm beginning to
find my voice. The sun rises every morning and sets every night. I have
a family that loves me, friends that support me, and the golden fleece
of youth to protect me. Life, or some form of it, is beginning to spawn.
And to think, after all the craziness and fun and sadness and love and
hate that I've gone through so far, that this is only the beginning of
something much more. Life and the living, no matter the circumstances,
will always beat out the dying and the dead. This, if only this, is the
most concrete truth I can base my existence on. And it's good enough for
me.
